Sunday, August 14, 2011
Good morning dear Sherry,
I am missing you so. You are on my mind and in my heart each and every day. The tears are near the surface although I know you would tell me not to cry for you. Your life was too short..... you left us too soon. I found myself awake in the night pondering the bigger questions -
why are we here?!?! Why are we here on this earth and why did you leave?
Why are Larry & I here in San Clemente? I know that your
passing has had a huge impact on me in ways that I cannot even know
yet. You are with me still and for that I am grateful. Without me
realizing it at the time, you were one of my greatest teachers and continue
to teach me on a daily basis. You are one of my true heroes for so many reasons. I'll tell you about that one of these days.
Back to the question, "Why are we here?" It makes me think
of a song Larry wrote about not long ago, "What's it all about, Alfie?" Now that's a song from our
youth. Remember, we used to think it was sad?
What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
Then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
What will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie
would you tell me what's it all about?
what's it all about? Alfie, Alfie, Alfie.
What's it all about? Whats this all about?
what's it all about Alfie?
It seems we are all looking for ways to fill our time with
activities that make us feel good. Always searching for things that make
us feel good. Since most of us are needing to make money to live, or so
we think, we are looking for an endeavor that makes us feel good. We
exchange the money for goods, shelter, creature comforts, clothing and
"stuff" - stuff that makes us feel good..... toys, trinkets, trivia -
unbelievable! Trading time for money - trading our lives for money -
selling our souls for a dollar, if we are not conscious. I don't think that was the drummer you were marching to..... I think you had more faith than we have about being taken care of. We go through
life spending our time - the minutes, hours, days, weeks, years - our
bank account of time - much of it in a state of unconsciousness -
filling up the minutes and hours with activities that make money - even
when it may make us miserable - trying to buy our way to happiness - to
freedom - the freedom to choose, but choose what? Many of us settling
for far less that what we really long for
or think we want. Why? Because we don't think we can have it or deserve
it?
Most of us searching for the compromise - some endeavor that won't
make us totally miserable - something that will make us feel good
sometimes. It often seems to be activity that feeds the ego - makes the
ego feel good but in the bigger picture does any of that matter? The
degrees, awards, praise, acceptance? In the work-a-day world it matters.
It gets us the promotions, more money - makes life easier but who are
we selling out to? and what is it really costing us? You didn't seem to
function in that world. Your world was much simpler but far more
difficult. I wish you could tell me what you thought of all of that.
Up until now, who has been driving my bus? I think I was allowing
myself to be addicted to the Internet for a long time..... information
overload ..... because it was feeding the ego.... it felt productive in
some way.... useful and I think it is a huge escape? I was so distracted by my efforts to feel good that
I never stopped to think about who was driving my bus? I was so busy
trying to stay on the path or find the path, that I never stopped long
enough to think about where I was or where I was headed until my close
encounter with your spirit. Maybe I was more lost than I realized or
maybe I was just going in circles - like riding the carousel. I kept
changing animals but I was still going around in the same circle or maybe I was exactly where I was meant to be. I
think most of the time, whether consciously or more than likely,
unconsciously, I am being driven by fear. How do I get to the truth -
the guts of the matter - the master mechanism driving everything else? They say the truth will set you free. I guess I am looking for my truth. Since that last week I spent with you so much of what I spend my time "doing" seems very meaningless. I think I must find a way to spend more time "being".
Fear is a powerful force - the most powerful force used by the ego.
I get so caught up in the activities, the business end of life that I
forget to ask why - I forget that I need to stop and check in from time
to time - and ask why? and then ask again, and again..... until I get to the
truth.
I sometimes feel like Adam's little chinchillas - running on a
wheel that goes nowhere - trapped in a box and running on the wheel.....
because it feels good or because I don't know what else to do?
I don't want to run on that wheel any longer. I don't want to go
through life asleep and unconscious any more - making small talk to be
part of the tribe. I don't want to be on the bus going nowhere and not
realizing it. Maybe I need to get off and rest for awhile.... just be
still. I am craving stillness.
My life - my minutes and hours are more precious than that. I think
I have been so caught up in this way of getting through each day, I
don't even remember who I am. I have been on auto pilot in so many ways.
Sometimes I am aware of being on auto pilot when I relate to
people. It's a way of not sharing my true self and feelings.... and sometimes the folks I am interacting with are special to
me, like you. I regret that when we talked each day during that last 9 months that so often I was on auto pilot.... not really listening to you and not really sharing myself. You deserved better than that and so did I. I wish that we had had less small talk and more
meaningful conversations. I know that we did have some wonderful
exchanges but I had so many questions and things I wanted to talk about
and I put them off for someday.... for June when we'd all be together. I
am so sorry for that. I want to become a gifted listener and keen
observer. I don't want to miss any of life going on around me. I want
to learn to be totally present in
the moment - get the most from each day on a conscious, spiritual level
- BE HERE NOW.
I am realizing this could be the last time I will see our family in
Texas..... because who knows how much time any of us have. Did you
know how much time you had left on this earth? We have a lot of history with those folks, with that place. I keep
going back time and time again. I must be looking for something. Will I
ever find what it is I am searching for? I want to honor you with this
pilgrimage. I want to get all I can out of being in that place with
those people for both of our sakes. I want to be present each day with
myself and not be shut off from feelings I may be avoiding. I want to be
present with the people, the plants, the animals, the clouds, the
stars, the air I breathe and you. I want to be present with all of the
senses that I possess in this physical body.... and the deeper and more
subtle energies of the universe. They take ever more stillness and
attention, I think.
What now? I don't know about anything anymore but perhaps living in
the moment means not knowing - perhaps being in the present is all
about following the thread.... looking for the breadcrumbs..... watching
for the clues, the signs and wonders, the bent twig, the broken leaf,
the footprint in the soft earth. Perhaps getting off of the "wheel", the
treadmill of life, means stopping often to rest; being still and
listening for that small voice more often. Perhaps I have forgotten how
to be really quiet and still and listen but I have faith that I can
learn again.
Larry & I used to go to the beach and we'd say "we're
going to sit here and watch the waves until we know something". We
never did have that big aha moment. We discovered or rather remembered
some small details that seemed important to life but we never "knew
something big" Perhaps that is what we are searching for ..... the small
and precious moments, like the ones I felt but could not express in
words, as I sat with you dear Sherry, as you passed out of your physcal
body and into pure energy. Thank you for sharing life with me. You have
left me with many questions to ponder but I know it is a good thing. I
hope, dear sweet Sherry, that you know you have touched many lives and
continue to do so. I pray that you are at peace.... at last.
